Sunday, 4 May 2008

Apologies in advance...

I deliberately didn't do a post on here announcing that i was pregnant as I didn't want to 'tempt fate'. I have now decided that fate is a load of old bollocks anyway (excuse the language) because this week we had a scan that told us at 16 weeks our baby no longer had a heart beat.
I know this is going to make uncomfortable reading, and I could write a list of people who will read this and think 'Christ, what is she doing?' but when I'm lying awake at night staring at the bedroom ceiling and trying not to cry, all I can think of is that it may help to write it down. It may also stop you all from wondering why I haven't done a post on the blog for so long.

People have been so kind. We have had a week of cards being delivered that we couldn't open. Within a few hours of knowing our news we had a bouquet of flowers delivered from my boss...the same boss who last week told me would be making me redundant at the end of June.
We have had a fabulous box of homemade chocolate chip cookies sent from London. We have had emails from 2 friends in particular (one of whom I have never met, you know who you are, coaster girl!) who just want to say Hi, and then continue to tell us about their lives as they would normally. That has helped hugely.

When I start laughing at something on the television or something someone says I feel guilty. I feel guilty when someone starts to tell me about their friend/ relative who went through the same thing and then went on to have hundreds of children. I feel guilty because I don't want to know about them. They are happy, I am not.

I have a fabulous husband who has been amazingly supportive and despite feeling grief of his own has looked after me, hugged me and held me. He knows all the right things to say and when to say them.

I still can't understand how this could happen so late in the pregnancy. I know we're just unlucky but just as I was starting to think everything would be ok, the rug was pulled from under us. We got to the 12 week stage where we breathed a sigh of relief. We started to think of names, look at prams and cots. I was looking forward to our first Christmas as a Mummy and Daddy.

And now. And now I have to start caring about myself and brushing my hair. I have to stop counting how many sleeps are left until I have to go back to work and cope with the pitying looks and hand squeezing.

Apparently there are several stages of grief to get through. I am still at the devastated and upset stage.
It will get better in time. Apparently.


Pinkie Cupcake said...

Oh Anna I am so sorry. Take care of yourselves while you grieve. xxx

Lucy Locket-Pocket said...

Oh Anna my heart goes out to you - sending you lots of love and hugs. Take care of yourself and your lovely husband and give yourself plenty of time to grieve. Lucy xxx

Victorian Lady said...

A big, long hug to you honey. :( You do what you need to do and we will be here whenever you need us.


me said...

Anna, a big huge cyber hug to both of you. I'm so very sorry.


julia said...

Anna, there's no words I can find to say to make you feel better. We're all thinking of you out here in cyberspace and sending you strength, hugs and lots of love. Grab hold of that husband and never let him go, the two of you will get through this together.
Julia x

Hazel Designs said...

I am so, so sorry to hear of your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family at this difficult time.

Holly said...

Hi Anna, I was so enjoying your wonderful blog & have so missed it. I am so sorry that you & your husband are going through this. I know this is a very sad time for the both of you.My thoughts are with you.... Remember, time does heal & you both will come through this stronger than before....Heidi

Lina said...

So very sorry to hear your sad news Anna.
Lina x

driftwood said...

It was very brave of you to write all that down Anna, and to show it to the world, I hope it has helped - even if only a little bit. Thinking of you and Rob, take care honey. xx

April said...

Anna, I am so terribly, terribly sorry to hear your dreadful news.

I know nothing I can say will help, but I would like you to know that you are in my thoughts and my prayers.

You are so brave to share it with us all, but I understand how writing it down can help.

Don't try and feel better to anyone else's schedule but your own - it takes as long as it takes and you will never forget about your baby.

I enjoy reading your blog and have missed you.

All your cyber friends are help to support you in any way we can.

Hold onto your wonderful husband and it will be easier to get through this with him by your side.

Take care


April xx

twiggypeasticks said...

I'm really sorry to hear your sad news.
Big hug to both of you.

mollycupcakes said...

I'm so very sorry for both of your loss and I don't know any words to say that will make things better but you will get throught this, your love for one another will see you through. And make you both stronger. Keep thoses dreams of enjoying a Christmas as a Mummy and Daddy alive, it will happen.
Lots of big hugs.
Thinking of you, if you need anything just email or call 01634 811335

Catherine x

Janette said...

anna, I am so sorry, I know I've never met you except through your blog but it has really touched me and I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling now. I know it doesn't help at the moment hearing how many others have been through the same pain but maybe it will help in the future - who knows. Please don't feel guilty about feeling angry, devastated, alone etc you and your husband will eventually come through this but you have to give yourselves time to grieve, too often we are worried about showing others our true feelings yet we would not expect anything less from those around us we love. I wish you both all the best and that you find the peace you need in time


Sal said...

I was so sorry to hear your sad news.You were very brave to put it all into words. Take care of yourself and your hubby. Sal xxx

Summer by the sea said...

Hi Anna, I am really sorry to hear your sad news and like others have said, no words can change what has happened, but knowing that all your friends in cyberspace are thinking of you maybe of some comfort. Take care - Natalie x

wendster said...

hmmmm ...

I'm thinking when life sucks we should eat something yummy.

Here's a paper plate for you and whoever else you would like to bring. Come on over. We are barbecuing donuts at my house. Then we are going to Wade's house for chocolate cake.

And if you go back through a few of my entries, you will see that Speedcat Hollydale has been launching donut missiles at Canada and at my house in California ... with a BRA ... and the posts back and forth are HILARIOUS. So if you fee like a laugh ... come on over.

Nope. No hugging or nonsense out of me. I've been there and I didn't want it either.

Just donuts and laughs at my house.

I'll be looking for you.



Tracy said...

The BIGGEST HUGS coming your way, Anna! I am so sorry this has happened to you & Rob. So glad he being so wonderful. Both of you need this time to take the time you need, take it at your own pace, let the tears go. You were very strong to write this post...I hope it helped your heart a little. Thinking of you during this sad time. Know that we are here for you...Love & Hugs, Tracy :o)

shabby chic said...

Hi Anna,
I am so so sorry to hear your sad news. Sorry your even having to go through this. You have a lovely family round you, make sure you lean on them. Take care

major big hugs to you x Dominique

Anonymous said...

i found your blog a while back from a link off of the Philosophy of Lists blog (a friend of mine), and read your blog sometimes to transport me to the UK from the US...

Just want to say I am sorry for your loss, and i hope you are continuing to heal.


Vanessa said...

Hi Anna,

I don't know what to say other than I am thinking of you! Take time to grieve, there are no set rules!

Vanessa xx

Vintage Amethyst said...

Hi Anna
I just wanted to say again how terribly sad I am to hear this news.
I really hope you are doing ok, and I have been thinking of you everyday sweet pea.
Sending you lots of love.
Alison x

Cowboys & Custard said...

Anna.. I am sending you a big tight hug and my love..
I know this sounds silly..but I sensed that something was wrong. Call it intuition..
I hope life gets easier with each passing day..

You are in my thoughts.


Gina said...

Sorry to hear of your very sad news Anna. Take care, Gina x

dottycookie said...

Anna, I'm so sorry. You're so very brave to write this, and I send lots of hugs for you and your husband. Val xxx

Alchamillamolly said...

Anna - so sorry to read your news - I am sure writing it down helped and we are all thinkingof you and yur husband - spend time with each other and talk and talk and hold each other - you will come through this together. Thinking of you both Catherine xx

Curlew Country said...

Dear Anna, what awful news for you both. I had been wondering where you were but not expecting this, I am so, so sorry for your very sad loss. I hope its helped writing it down and we will all be there whenever you need a friend. Be kind to yourself, take lots of time for whatever you need. With much love.

alice c said...

I am so sad for you.

Be kind to yourself and and know that your little baby and the dreams that you had for it will always be part of you now.